Overlooked but simple way Nigerians will miss heaven

It all started as a simple conversation, the same old one that Nigerians home and in diaspora loved to have – the state of our love-hate country.

I shared my resent experience with a family member, about a muslim woman at a conference. The woman was articulate, she talked about how our school children must be protected from the evil of the world. This was last year when Osun state merged schools together into a new and better purpose-built one to promote conducive learning environment for students irrespective of their religious background – that was a big deal because traditional Christian and muslim schools were merged.

My concern was that I can not seem to remember why everyone must be seen as a potential threat just because they belonged to a different religion, and here we are creating monsters in the minds of the future of the nation – it was all big drama, but thankfully, good people stepped in to uphold the decision to keep school children together for the purpose of receiving quality education.

So I shared the story with my uncle, we both felt concerned for how religion is used to further divide us when we have so much in common to celebrate. Then I must have said something on the line of what will happen on the ‘last day’ if there’s one so he cuts in “You are not counting yourself amongst us, are you?”

“What?” I asked. “That you are going to heaven” he responded. Whao, I thought. Egbon Kola knew me from when I was a baby, so he must be right that hell is my home so I told him, “shut the gate in my face if I followed you!”

Now, he laughed so much on the other side, that I thought he had collapsed from a cardiac arrest. “I miss you” he later said. I told him I was not joking.

Here is why my uncle thought I belonged in hell –  purely for my church attendance or the lack of it. Last time I was in church was with my mother. I love and enjoy immensely the singing and dancing of Pentecostal church, sermon is a different ball game. I can’t remember how the sermon got to the part of American health system but the pastor stumbled on it and went on and on. American health system? Why, upon all the subjects we can talk about? Then he spoke about him spending the whole night digging into it and the US plan to implant codes under the skin so it’s easier to get help in case of emergency. The preacher later relate that to treble six sign – it all got really messy. I felt like dragging him off the pulpit to get some cold drinks, he was in a completely different world, nothing made sense.

My poor aged mother was worried after the service. I told her not to worry that the pastor was on crack otherwise he would have focussed his preachings on the state of Nigeria that people can easily relate to. He wanted to sound ‘out there’ but chose subject he had no clue about. “is he really on drugs” my mother asked. “Moomi, please give it a rest.”

Given uncle Kola is a senior pastor – I told him not to worry about me as he will not make it to heaven neither. “How?” he asked.

“Stuck in traffic at Ibadan-Lagos expressway during Redeemed Church monthly prayer meeting”

That’s how.

Categories: Africa, Humour, Nigeria, Religion

Tags: , , ,

17 replies

  1. My response to folks who claim I’m going to burn in hell for whatever sin I’m committing, I say, “I will see you there!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s a good one!

      Naija people are the funniest, they dare not say obvious murderers/looters/cheaters would rot in hell as long as they attend church rituals and give money meant for public good to a minister, however, an ordinary person who really can’t be bothered about all the craziness/eye service is simply condemned to hell.
      The concept of heaven is intriguing, there’s got to be more than heaven and hell 🙂


  2. I didn’t read this….. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Madam FK, a very clever article (as usual), with many themes touched upon.

    What I find hard to deal with in Nigeria, is the intolerance of people not wanting to follow the crowd, with regards to religion. Everyone must believe in something and if you don’t you should be hospitalised, in some cases even killed.
    We have freedom of thought, so how we choose to exercise it is our business. My own family take a dim view of me, because I don’t run to church every Sunday (in fact I don’t go to church at all ) and am not ready to fire off a biblical quotes like they do.
    What anyone chooses to believe is entirely their own business, people should just get over it. But in Nigeria, religion is continuously being rammed down one’s throat whether you like it or not. This to my mind is unhealthy and uncalled for.
    As for the afterlife, that is anyone’s guess. I don’t know of anyone who has gone there and returned to say that this person and that person made it, (to Heaven) and the others didn’t. It is pure speculation, which to date can’t be proved. Regardless of what anyone else may have you believe.
    You’re pretty good with your counters. Did you ever consider boxing? (joke)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, not being religious is like a social suicidal. Reality is most people attend now just to avoid interrogation.

      There is a misconception very common in Nigeria that being religious = being moral, so we’re quick to accept and trust a religious person easily.

      No boxing, not yet. Did Karate though, lots of counter techniques there too 🙂


  4. You had me at “the american health system” your reported reaction was priceless! If the gate is indeed closed in your face, worry not, i’ll be there to open it for you! “American health system” i haven’t laughed so hard in quite some time!

    Liked by 1 person

Please leave comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: